Trying Really Hard

It seems that the more I try to "do" this Standing Still thing... the less I can do it, the less I actually remember to do it, the less I am inclined to do it.

Yesterday I set the intention to stop at least 3 times during my walk with Suzy, and then before and after every meal. Well, I did great with the Suzy-walk, but not so good elsewhere. I am wondering if I should keep setting intentions like this or not. Because when I do, and then I don't/can't/won't follow through, I end up beating myself up.

Have been working a lot with self-compassion recently, and it is a basic tenet of THAT practice, NOT to beat myself up, so I am working on infusing my entire life with self-kindness, especially of the "inner talk" variety.

So I think that I will stop setting any intention except for asking my Bright Ones (spirit guides, angels, dear ones...etc) to remind me of my commitment to Standing Still as the practice that brings me home to myself.

And am also thinking that perhaps I need to be practicing meditation for longer chunks of time. Or even just times when I slow way down and sit in my recliner in my Quiet Room and read. No agenda, just whatever book feels good to open right now. Dip in and enjoy. And be still and calm, with nothing to do and nowhere to go.

I would also like to once in a while be able to sit in front of the tv with no other agenda than sitting there and watching. Actually, I did do that on Saturday night. I watched "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" with Carol. And we laughed and laughed. She is a good laugher! An old movie from the 80's with Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Hunt. But I couldn't sit there very long without eating. I know! I know! I need to get out my knitting again. Somehow, I think about knitting but I don't actually DO it.

Also, I signed up for Clarissa Pinkola Estes' class The Joyous Body (from Sounds True), and listened to the first two hour download this weekend while walking Suzy. It is amazing. And I feel the yearning to go back and listen again while taking notes of the things that really stand out for me as lessons right now, in this moment. I feel afraid that I am going to lose these new learnings if I don't write them down and find some way to incorporate them into my life.

HOWEVER, I also felt the yearning to go read everything CPE has ever written, and borrow from the library all the recordings that are available. Such a thirst, such a hunger, such an excitement to know more and more and more.

But that makes me feel frantic and definitely the opposite of how I feel when I practice Standing Still. So I consciously decided NOT to listen to or read anything else by CPE until after I have fully absorbed and digested The Joyous Body.
That feels good and right and true to me.

Also, have decided to pass some of these KaleidoSoul projects on to Kate. That is why I hired her, right? I really have to focus in on MYSELF for the next several months while I am learning to practice Standing Still, and while I am shedding this excess weight, while I am re-learning what my body needs for health and well-being.

I am committed to making choices based on this. And this begins NOW.