Pausing at the Crossroads

So I guess I stopped my Standing Still practice while I was on retreat last week. I mean, I "stood still" in relation to my everyday life I guess. And I even watched four whole episodes of Being Erica on Thursday night online without doing anything else. I found that very restful and creatively soothing somehow. I love that show and feel connected to the characters especially "Dr. Tom" who is always using quotations to help his clients.

Back to the topic at hand.

Anyway, I didn't walk yesterday because it was so cold and rainy and I was really in an emotional funk about all kinds of stuff, including the fact that it was our 16th anniversary on Friday and I wanted something really special and all I got was indigestion because I ordered the fried clams instead of the haddock. Ah. Interesting, just to notice.

Today I got up earlier than Jeff and shut off his alarm to let him sleep longer, so I took Suzy for a nice long walk. As soon as I started walking, under the trees, hearing the birds sing, I thought, "Ah. This is it." And I feel back in the rhythm of my life again. I guess even going on retreat can mess up my rhythm, even if it IS a good and healthy and spiritually enlightening thing for me to do.

So while on my walk today I decided to pause, to stop and Stand Still every time I turned a corner or crossed to a new street. That was my idea from the beginning but I haven't really followed it. It is a discipline, remembering to do it. But it felt really good.

And I am still questioning what it is exactly that I should be DOING during those Standing Still times. I have been trying a number of things in the last few months since I started this practice: breathing, feeling my feet grounded into the earth, saying a short prayer, focusing on a word, seeing what is around me, listening to what is around me.

Today I just Stood Still and took three deep breaths in and out, eyes open, and stayed there until I could feel my head return to my body. An interesting concept, eh? Like a little mini-reunion inside of me!

And at other times, when I was actually walking, I found it helpful to say something like, "This is me and I am breathing." Or "This is me, feeling sad." "This is me pulling on Suzy's leash and feeling her pulling in the other direction." That was very calming and soothing. Full of a deep self-acceptance.

I wish, wish, WISH I could practice this in my daily life. I KNOW, know, KNOW that my relationship with food would change if I could just do this throughout an ordinary day. If I could Stand Still before doing "the next thing" and just breathe myself back into my body. If I could just STOP before loading my plate with food at the Easter dinner today. If I could just Slow Down enough to remember who I am and what my priorities are.

And I am hearing my Bright Ones say... "You can, dear one... it just takes time and practice and you are on the right path."

Amen to that. Over and out. Reporting back in tomorrow, or later tonight as hopefully I will have something good to report.