The Sitting Still Experiment

These days I'm often recovering or "coming back from" a chemo treatment, so it looks like this experiment is transforming itself into one of sitting still instead of standing still. I am not able to take long walks with Suzy every morning. Once in a while I do walk to the end of the driveway, or the path from the parking lot to the Dog Park.

But mostly my days revolve around sitting. On the sofa (right side, cushion vertically up so my head can lean back), on the brown recliner in my Quiet Room, in the car.

I am enjoying all of this sitting still, to tell the truth. Although, if I'm not careful, I see that I can "zone out" just as easily while sitting quietly as I can when I have lots more energy and am rushing about on two feet "getting things done."

It all comes down to what's going on in my mind. I can be sitting in an easy chair in silence but the thoughts can still be going 100 mph in my head. Or I can be rushing around doing 4 errands in the course of an hour but my busy mind can be "sitting still" enough for me to remain centered and calm in the midst of time crunches and to-do lists.

So it all comes down to my thoughts, my mind. Mindfulness. It's not about my body sitting still, but MY MIND sitting still. That is where the true lesson lies for me.

Learning Slowly

Well, I don't know if I did the pausing thing SEVEN times after that last entry, but I did come pretty darned close and it felt good.

Yesterday we went to Boston to get a second opinion about Jeff's slow-growing lymphoma, and the trip wiped me out. We took "The Ride" so at least I didn't have to drive. A few times during the ride, I was able to pause and breathe and be with myself. The whole thing wore me out, though and when I got home all I could do was lie down and read/close my eyes/watch TV.

When I feel like that, the Pausing is more difficult.

So this whole process is a slow moving thing, and I am grateful for the amount of time it is taking me to learn it. Maybe I will never learn it well enough to do it all of the time. Is there anyone who does? I doubt it!

I am just being patient with myself. So far this morning I have "remembered" about three times and I've been up for about 5 hours. But this is progress, I remind myself.

The remembering, the pausing, the stopping, the breathing, the noticing... it's all bringing me closer to myself and to Spirit. And that is what I want more than anything else.

This Is Me And I Am...

I didn't write yesterday because I woke up with many "flu-like symptoms" related to the chemo treatment that I had on Wednesday. A little fever, achy all over and totally washed out. I just couldn't focus on this and I am pretty sure that at no point during the day yesterday did I pause and stand still. I might get there by the end of these treatments, though. And that would be a major miracle, I am thinking!

This morning I woke up feeling MUCH better, maybe a 5 on the Anne Marie Wellness Scale. Yesterday I was at 1.5, so that is major improvement.

Still, I didn't PAUSE until I was already out of the car and at the grocery store, yet just that little slow motion AHA moment was enough to bring me back to the present. I had already taken myself through many activities (drinking water, feeding the cats, showering, brushing my teeth, flossing, making a grocery list, checking my email, that I did NOT stop to acknowledge, but I am not beating myself up over this.

Also, I did not pause before I sat down at this laptop to create these blog entries. But I am stopping now. This is me and I am typing at my keyboard. This is me and I am creating something special.

My commitment today is to at least stop myself 7 times in the course of a new activity and breathe deeply and remind myself that I am in THIS moment only, remind myself that I am in a body and that my body and mind and spirit are working together on something.

I will report in tomorrow. This is me and I am ending this blog entry now.

Progress Being Noted

Well, it's definitely not easy, remembering to pause before beginning a new activity. Mainly, I realize, because there are SO MANY new activities in an hour, much less in a day.

So far my day went like this:

Get up go to the bathroom feed the cats take a shower. PAUSE> This is me, taking a shower. Ahhh..... Put on makeup affix new butterfly pin to hat make 6 new ornaments. PAUSE> This is me sitting at my art table, creating something beautiful. Ahhhh... Go downstairs put on jacket grab purse and coupons get in car put car in gear drive out of driveway and down the street to the stop sign. PAUSE> This is me in my car, going to do errands. Ahhhhh....

You get the picture? I am just posting this here to show that I am not doing this perfectly, or even well, and 99% of the time I am not even pausing BEFORE the activity, but during it (because I am not remembering ahead of time). My mind is still programmed to go, go, go, mindlessly moving from this thing to that thing without even thinking about what I am doing.

My commitment here is to change this patterning, change this speed at which I "do" my life. Every time I stop and become aware of what I am doing, and take a breath, I am shot through with little sparks of joy. Ahhhh.... here I am, back in my body again, paying attention to what my eyes are seeing and my ears are hearing. All in all, a beautiful way to live a life.

Pausing Before New Activities

As I am sensing new ways and directions that my life can move in now (see entry below), I am also sensing a need to slow down deliberately.

I have found that if I can remember to stop before beginning a new activity and breathe deeply, at least one time, and NAME what I am about to do, that this slows me down just a bit more, and enough to make a huge difference in my mindfulness and consciousness of what I am doing and how I am feeling and the ways that I am spending my time.

I only just started doing this a few days ago and I will admit that I am only able to do this about 20% of the time, but I feel SO good when I do do it, that it is my intention to continue this practice for always.

I will also admit that I did NOT take this pause before beginning this blog entry! I am just realizing this right now. So this blog will be a good motivator for me to pay more attention to the transitions from one activity to another as each day goes on.

Blank Spaces and Interim Time

I read somewhere once that the blank spaces in a journal say A LOT without any words being written. So there has been a "blank space" here on this blog of, oh, about 6 months.

So it's true... A LOT has been going on in my life since I last made an entry here, and I assure you that I have thought longingly of this particular blog during my absence from this screen.

In mid-June I learned that my dear friend Lis was dying of a rare kind of cancer that she'd been fighting for two years.

In late June I noticed that my left (2-lumpectomied) breast was looking bruised and there was a new red bump as well so I went to my breast surgeon and (from late June through mid July) went through a mammogram, skin biopsy, an ultrasound, an MRI guided needle biopsy and I can't remember what else.

In mid-July I was diagnosed with secondary angiosarcoma of the breast, which is a very rare cancer that ONLY forms as a result of radiation treatments for breast cancer (which I had in 2002). On July 25 I had a mastectomy and my brilliant surgeon (Dr. Stephen Karp, Lahey Clinic, Burlington MA) got clean and generous margins around the tumor. Also, my PET scan was clear.

I spent August recovering from the surgery, and in late September started adjuvant chemotherapy treatments "just in case" any stray cells got loose before he took out the tumor. The chemo will be done hopefully by the end of January. In March I am planning to have a reduction on my right breast so am looking forward to a better looking and feeling body!

Also, on July 3, my friend Lis died but I couldn't attend the funeral because I was recovering from the MRI Guided Needle Biopsy (not a procedure for the faint at heart), and then on July 15 we bid a final good-bye to my dearly beloved Sasha-Girl (age 18) who had been having seizures all week.

Needless to say, the losses have been huge and I am still processing much of it as the days turn from summer to fall, from light to dark, from warm to cool and cold again.

I am dedicated, of course, to moving through the darkness of life circumstances and feelings to get to the bright side of the road. And I can see, even in the aggravation and annoyance of the side effects from my chemo treatments, that this whole experience is SLOWING ME DOWN. A LOT!!!