Feeling Like a Failure

This is me... feeling like a failure... this is me... not wanting to write in here.

Well, I guess it happens every time when someone tries to start a new practice. I haven't been keeping up with the Standing Still Experiment, and so I have been avoiding writing in here. But here you go. And here I am anyway. It's time to get back into it. It's time to start taking those three deep breaths and grounding myself back into myself on a regular basis.

My intention for standing in front of my Altar three times a day seems to be just too big for me right now. I will feel happy if I remember/remind myself to do it every morning before I sit down at the computer. Anything else, right now, will be a bonus. I have done it two days in a row now. I am hoping that I can do the Altar thing every morning from now on, just like I am in the habit of doing the gratitude list (a la Melody Beattie) now every morning after checking my 3 emails.

I need to remember that I only have to take this new growth, this new transformation one tiny step at a time.

I get so frustrated with myself, you know? There are so many things I want to be incorporating into my self-transformation and there just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day.

Breathing... standing still... remembering who I am... and naming what I am going through... this is my priority right now.

How It Looks and Feels

This is how my day usually looks and feels:

got up fed the cats emptied litter box checked three email accounts answered emails ate gluten free bagel with almond butter walked dog took shower wrote a new web page


And here is how I WANT my morning to look and feel:

got up

fed the cats

emptied litter box

checked three email accounts answered emails

ate gluten free bagel with almond butter

walked dog

took shower

wrote a new web page



Do you see the difference?

The first one is rushed and everything is all jumbled together. It is hard to tell where one thing begins and the other ends. Which is exactly how it feels to be rushing through my life.

The second one has lots of white space (Standing Still, pausing) around each thing that I "did" and feels slower, easier, clearer to understand.

Well, that is how I want my life to be..... slower, clearer, easier to understand, with lots of white space in my mind around each thing that I "do."

Here's to another day of trying!

Just Listen

I am on retreat for a few days at Rolling Ridge in Andover, MA. After I got settled in, I walked around the grounds and down to the lake. There was a bench right by the water and I sat there for several minutes.

Have been feeling inner urgings towards using this time here to LISTEN, just to listen. To listen within and listen to guidance from without, from the other side. And I am seeing that in order to listen, I need to be Standing Still. Or Sitting Still. Or some version of Inward Stillness.

I look at these next few days as a wider practice of Standing Still, a different version of it. Obviously, two full days is longer than 15 seconds. But I have been on personal retreats before that were even longer than this, but did not still myself inside to listen hardly at all.

So this is a new adventure for me, using this retreat time, this Time Away, to practice Standing Still in a different, more powerful way. I know that every day cannot be like this, and I accept this and I let go of the yearning for yet more and MORE of this stillness. All I do have is right now. Please, Spirit, allow me the luxury of enjoying these next two days moment by moment.

By the Light of the Moon

I am noticing that I am finding it hard to actually Stand Still when I have some other big thing on my mind. Like getting ready to go away. I'm leaving on a personal retreat this morning and yesterday was filled with catching up on stuff to do to get ready for me to be away.

And I could hear my thoughts which were something like this, every time I thought maybe I could Stand Still for a few seconds, "Oh don't worry about that. We can do lots and lots of that when we're on retreat!" And so I didn't stop yesterday, not even once until I sat down to watch Glee with Jeff.

Of course, it didn't help that it was raining in the morning and I didn't get to walk with Suzy. Or that I had an almost 2 hour conference call in the afternoon PLUS two vet visits- one with Suzy for her annual check-up and one with Sasha for an ear infection. Or that after Sasha's appointment at 6 pm I had to drive to Whole Foods
(25 min. drive) to get the homeopathic remedy.

Sigh. At least I am aware, right?

Some day, may this all be different. For now, I am just doing the best that I can.

Anyway, on Monday night I was having trouble sleeping so I got up at 2 a.m. (or was it 3?) and stood out on the back deck with Suzy, letting the light of the full moon glow around me. I felt loved, protected, seen. So there was a good amount of Standing Still happening right then and that felt soooo good.

What I love about the longer amounts of Standing Still (if I can do it for a whole minute or longer) is that I feel like I am giving myself time and space, that I am breathing spaciousness into my life in a concrete and visceral way that allows me to make room for Spirit, for my higher and brightest self, and for my Bright Ones, to move in closer to me. It feels like I am putting space between this thing and the next thing, and doing that relieves a lot of pressure, a lot of stress. Am not sure I am expressing this properly. But it's enough for today!

Ripple Effects

I did practice Standing Still several times on my walk yesterday morning. And I returned to the same little tree and held the blossoms in my hand. They are bigger, fuller, harder, plumper, and I can see little bits of pink mixed in with the green now. Am not sure what kind of tree it is.

This is like a little miracle to me because I have never in my life noticed things like this before. I would be racing around 100 mph and then all of a sudden, one day driving down the street I would notice that all of the leaves on the trees were out and full and new green and I would wonder "When the heck did THAT happen?"

So it feels really really good to be slowed down enough to be paying attention to what is happening out in nature right now!

Also, I stopped one time and Sat Still in my car before getting out and going into CVS.

And then at night, in bed with Jeff, as we were hugging good night, I actually slowed down enough to Lie Still with him and really really feel every part of his body touching mine. And because of that, I could really feel in my heart how much I cherished him: body, mind AND spirit. This has not happened in eons either.

So I can officially say that my Standing Still Experiment is having a lovely warm Ripple Effect throughout the rest of my life. Who knows what other wonders lie in wait!

Single Tasking

The other night I sat for a whole hour in front of the TV and did not do ANYTHING else. I didn't eat, didn't check other channels at commercial times, didn't go into the DVR and try to find anything new to record. I just sat there.

It was a Dancing with the Stars results show, and I was interested in the outcome, but not THAT interested! In fact, because we have a DVR, we usually don't watch a show in "live" time, but after the fact so we can fast forward through the commercials. So I'm not used to watching actual commercials anymore. Thank God/Goddess for the mute button!

I am pretty pleased with myself that I actually was able to DO it, because to tell the truth, I didn't think I COULD do it, and I did not especially WANT to do it. I am so used to multi-tasking. When I DON'T multi-task, it feels like I am wasting time. I'll have to look at that as another entry in here some day.



Also, last night, I did the same thing with Modern Family- only half an hour, and we skipped through the commercials. BUT... I just sat there, hands in my lap, and watched. It was lovely. I really do love that show and was able to really experience the full belly laughs that aren't quite as real or as potent when I am working on my computer at the same time.

So... that was my experiment in Single Tasking. Not exactly the same thing as Standing Still and anchoring myself back into the Present Moment. But definitely related! I will look for more opportunities for Single-Tasking today and see what comes up.

Slowing Down My Life

I am being gentle with myself. I am being gentle with myself. I am, I am, I am! I am committed to talking kindly and compassionately to myself. THIS is where the change is beginning, not in how many times I stop and breathe before moving on to the next thing. Not in how much fiber I eat each day or how many times I can let go of a sugar (or cheese!) craving. No, the CHANGE is coming closer and closer, the more I am able to be kind to myself. My inner talk is changing, has to keep changing, and that is the only thing that is going to help me to slow down my life, to lighten up my heart and body and mind, and to let go of the extra weight that has been clinging to me for so long. Yesterday I didn't rush around with a long list of to-do's. Actually, that is more because I had to drive Jeff to Merri's house at 5:30 a.m. and I didn't get much sleep and was tired. I actually laid down in the afternoon, flanked on one side by big yellow lab Suzy and on the other side by soft black cat (so much more than a cat) Sasha. And napped for about an hour. Slowing down like that was good for my body, mind and soul. I did do some work, but I also spent some time in front of the tv with the tv OFF getting ready for the Program Team call tonight. AND... I also spend a few hours going through the gluten-free books and culling recipes and resources for this new path I have chosen. Still, I was multi-tasking. Maybe I need to start thinking about single-tasking! How fun/difficult would THAT be? Am reminded of the story of the monk whose teacher told his students to do only one thing at a time. When you are eating, eat. When you are gardening, garden. When you are brushing your teeth, brush your teeth. Etcetera. And that is what they all strived to do. And then one day at breakfast, the monk saw his teacher eating and reading. And he was shocked! He confronted his teacher on this, and the teacher smiled and said, "When you are eating and reading, eat and read." I love that story. And yet I admit, sometimes I use it as an excuse to multi-task. But if I'm honest, I will admit that most of the time when I am multi-tasking, I am somewhere else in my mind. If I am "eating and reading," I am usually also thinking about what's next on my schedule, or I am too focused on the book and not on the food at all. And so it goes. It's a matter of balance. And I am writing this blog to REMIND myself about being mindful. To continue to plant the seed in my mind that this is what I want my life to be about now. I am trying to build a new neural pathway of mindfulness into my brain, and this is the best way I know how to do that.

Animals Stand Still Naturally

My beloved Sasha girl really "gets" this Standing Still thing. I can take a lesson from her. Actually, she is more about sitting still, but you know what I mean! There is such a deep calm and stillness about her as she gazes into the distance. AND.. she can do it for hours at a time.

All cats seem to be gifted with this ability to slow way down and just BE with what IS. This is what I am aspiring too.

Even our lovable, ever-frenetic dog, Suzy, who seems to be in constant motion (or wishing she were in constant motion!) will sometimes stand dead still on one of our walks and just look around, until she is ready to move again.

The first few times it happened, I was thunderstruck. During her own Standing Still moments, she really does exactly that, stand still. Nothing else. She doesn't sniff at anything or nuzzle things on the ground, or nudge my hand for a pat.

I am leaving soon to walk Suzy and my intention is to Stand Still, to ground myself in my Center at least 3 times during this walk. And also, to Stand Still before and after each meal today. I will report back in tomorrow!

Seagull Watching

I got up this morning, fed the cats, drank my water, checked and answered about 20 emails, did my gratitude list, got some stuff off my desk and into the right files and envelopes...etc. But I didn't pause once. Nor did I stand still and make time/space for the next thing.

And yet, I am giving myself a big dose of unconditional kindness for what I CAN do. Which is stop, right now, and spend 5 minutes to write this blog entry. Hopefully, this blogging is making me more aware of my intention to practice Standing Still. I did NOT do it at all, all day today, and the evidence of that was seen in a little bout of compulsive eating tonight after dinner. At least I wasn't eating high fat things. Just sugar and salt. But gluten and dairy free, hooray!

Actually, I don't even care if someone else ever reads this blog or not. I am thinking it will help me if I ever decide to write a book about this experiment. And mostly, that it will help me day by day as I try to remember my intention to Stand Still several times a day. Before the next thing.

The other day, I flashed upon a memory from a loooooong time ago. I was in my 30's. I was just learning about mindfulness and meditation and had read in a book about the idea of focusing on just one thing and following it, staying with it thru the breath and beyond.

So I was at the beach in Beverly, just sitting on the stone wall, feeling the calming presence of air and sea and sky. I decided to focus on a seagull. I just picked one of many, and followed it with my eyes while keeping still in my body. It was fascinating. The gull swooped down. It noodled along. It flew over to another spot on the beach. It landed in the water. It walked.

I think I did it for 5 or 6 full, slow minutes. It was so peaceful and stress-relieving. It's hard to explain. It's like, in those several minutes, nothing existed except for me and that bird. It's kindof like I WAS the bird! Time slowed way, way down. I was amazed at how slow and spacious even just one minute could be.

And I am sorry to report that I've never done anything like that since. Maybe it's time to start again, in my 50's, now that I am working with this idea of Standing Still.

And So The Journey Begins

I have the feeling that this is the start of a long journey. I hope so anyway! Not necessarily an arduous journey, simply a journey, simply a journey that is, whatever it turns out to be. I am hoping to be able to enjoy the scenery along the way.

This all began this winter while walking our 7 year old lab, Suzy. I've been walking her for almost two years now, and I've been aware the whole time of her own gleefulness at being outside, her jittery excitedness at walking and walking. I've also been hyper-aware of her tendency to keep stopping and smelling everything known to man (and some things not!). So mostly our walks consist of me trying to walk fast and "hard" ... and Suzy wanting to meander along. She stops to smell EVERY thing... dried up leaves, empty yogurt cartons, cracks in the sidewalk, dirty snowbanks, piles of you-know-what, and God/Goddess knows what else.

Usually when she stops to smell something, I tug on her leash impatiently, or I wait while she sniffs around, tapping my foot, checking my watch, wondering how long it will be before she MOVES again, hoping that I'm still getting a good cardiac workout.

One day this winter, though, I found it within me to pay attention to her while she was doing her sniffing thing. And I thought, "Hmmm... She evidently finds that scummy snowbank fascinating, so she is stopping to explore it and she doesn't care one whit what I think about it."

Which led me to think that maybe whe SHE was standing still, sniffing, maybe I could also STAND STILL, not just in my body but in my mind and spirit as well.

So I tried doing that a few times and you know what? It was a MUCH better walk!

I stopped one time while she was sniffing around, stood very still, and looked up into the sky, surprised to see there a perfect formation of 9 geese, happing honking their way westward.

And after a week of that, I though, "WOW, wouldn't it be cool if I could do this in the course of my daily life also? What if I stopped to stand still several times throughout my day instead of moving, moving, MOVING from one thing to the next with no space in between?"

Thus, this blog has been born! I decided that if I knew I was going to post here every day about one or more of my daily Stand Stills, then I might actually be encouraged to do more than just THINK about it.

So here I go...

And the STANDING STILL EXPERIMENT is born.