Standing Still at My Altar

This is the Altar I've been creating. It is on top of my bookcase which is to the right of my desk.

It's been sitting there for a few months now but I haven't been "using" it. I've hardly even been LOOKING at it. So this weekend I cleaned it off and started over. Added the Quan Yin statue and the icon. Rearranged the prayers and intentions that I would like to be saying out loud on a daily basis.

My PLAN is to Stand Still in front of it at least 3 times a day, but right now I am lucky if I remember to do this first thing in the morning before I sit down at the computer! I did do it today, I am happy to report.

My idea is that this will slow me down during my days. Bring me back to my body and out of my head.

My Soul Vows are there, as well as the list of "Dead" that I have buried and my intention prayer that I made during Janet Conner's Lotus and the Lily class in December. Which, now that I think of it, is when my whole life began to slant in this new direction. For which I am extremely grately. Will write more about these Vows and "Dead" and Intention Prayers another time.

More Pausing at the Crossroads

So.... you are maybe wondering how I did with pausing at every choice point/cross roads yesterday. Ha! Of course I completely forgot after the walk with Suzy!

I did experience some yummy slow time in the morning and early afternoon... a lovely flow of time where I just did the next thing I felt like doing- computer... reading.... shower.... cleaned bedroom, shifted things on altar.... put things away.... wrote in journal......

And then last night after Easter dinner, I read on the front porch for an hour and then just SAT on the couch with Jeff and watched Sunday Morning and Amazing Race. Just sat. That is a big deal for me because usually I do computer work because it's a good time to get mindless tasks done...etc. But last night I slowed myself down enough to just sit. So that felt good.

I realize that it may take me a long while to program my brain to STOP and Stand Still several times a day when I am getting ready to switch activities. And that is perfectly OKAY. The neural pathways need to be grooved and grooved until they are a part of me, and I will be patient with myself until this happens.

Pausing at the Crossroads

So I guess I stopped my Standing Still practice while I was on retreat last week. I mean, I "stood still" in relation to my everyday life I guess. And I even watched four whole episodes of Being Erica on Thursday night online without doing anything else. I found that very restful and creatively soothing somehow. I love that show and feel connected to the characters especially "Dr. Tom" who is always using quotations to help his clients.

Back to the topic at hand.

Anyway, I didn't walk yesterday because it was so cold and rainy and I was really in an emotional funk about all kinds of stuff, including the fact that it was our 16th anniversary on Friday and I wanted something really special and all I got was indigestion because I ordered the fried clams instead of the haddock. Ah. Interesting, just to notice.

Today I got up earlier than Jeff and shut off his alarm to let him sleep longer, so I took Suzy for a nice long walk. As soon as I started walking, under the trees, hearing the birds sing, I thought, "Ah. This is it." And I feel back in the rhythm of my life again. I guess even going on retreat can mess up my rhythm, even if it IS a good and healthy and spiritually enlightening thing for me to do.

So while on my walk today I decided to pause, to stop and Stand Still every time I turned a corner or crossed to a new street. That was my idea from the beginning but I haven't really followed it. It is a discipline, remembering to do it. But it felt really good.

And I am still questioning what it is exactly that I should be DOING during those Standing Still times. I have been trying a number of things in the last few months since I started this practice: breathing, feeling my feet grounded into the earth, saying a short prayer, focusing on a word, seeing what is around me, listening to what is around me.

Today I just Stood Still and took three deep breaths in and out, eyes open, and stayed there until I could feel my head return to my body. An interesting concept, eh? Like a little mini-reunion inside of me!

And at other times, when I was actually walking, I found it helpful to say something like, "This is me and I am breathing." Or "This is me, feeling sad." "This is me pulling on Suzy's leash and feeling her pulling in the other direction." That was very calming and soothing. Full of a deep self-acceptance.

I wish, wish, WISH I could practice this in my daily life. I KNOW, know, KNOW that my relationship with food would change if I could just do this throughout an ordinary day. If I could Stand Still before doing "the next thing" and just breathe myself back into my body. If I could just STOP before loading my plate with food at the Easter dinner today. If I could just Slow Down enough to remember who I am and what my priorities are.

And I am hearing my Bright Ones say... "You can, dear one... it just takes time and practice and you are on the right path."

Amen to that. Over and out. Reporting back in tomorrow, or later tonight as hopefully I will have something good to report.

How It Looks and Feels

This is how my day usually looks and feels:

got up fed the cats emptied litter box checked three email accounts answered emails ate gluten free bagel with almond butter walked dog took shower wrote a new web page


And here is how I WANT my morning to look and feel:

got up

fed the cats

emptied litter box

checked three email accounts answered emails

ate gluten free bagel with almond butter

walked dog

took shower

wrote a new web page



Do you see the difference?

The first one is rushed and everything is all jumbled together. It is hard to tell where one thing begins and the other ends. Which is exactly how it feels to be rushing through my life.

The second one has lots of white space (Standing Still, pausing) around each thing that I "did" and feels slower, easier, clearer to understand.

Well, that is how I want my life to be..... slower, clearer, easier to understand, with lots of white space in my mind around each thing that I "do."

Here's to another day of trying!

Just Listen

I am on retreat for a few days at Rolling Ridge in Andover, MA. After I got settled in, I walked around the grounds and down to the lake. There was a bench right by the water and I sat there for several minutes.

Have been feeling inner urgings towards using this time here to LISTEN, just to listen. To listen within and listen to guidance from without, from the other side. And I am seeing that in order to listen, I need to be Standing Still. Or Sitting Still. Or some version of Inward Stillness.

I look at these next few days as a wider practice of Standing Still, a different version of it. Obviously, two full days is longer than 15 seconds. But I have been on personal retreats before that were even longer than this, but did not still myself inside to listen hardly at all.

So this is a new adventure for me, using this retreat time, this Time Away, to practice Standing Still in a different, more powerful way. I know that every day cannot be like this, and I accept this and I let go of the yearning for yet more and MORE of this stillness. All I do have is right now. Please, Spirit, allow me the luxury of enjoying these next two days moment by moment.

By the Light of the Moon

I am noticing that I am finding it hard to actually Stand Still when I have some other big thing on my mind. Like getting ready to go away. I'm leaving on a personal retreat this morning and yesterday was filled with catching up on stuff to do to get ready for me to be away.

And I could hear my thoughts which were something like this, every time I thought maybe I could Stand Still for a few seconds, "Oh don't worry about that. We can do lots and lots of that when we're on retreat!" And so I didn't stop yesterday, not even once until I sat down to watch Glee with Jeff.

Of course, it didn't help that it was raining in the morning and I didn't get to walk with Suzy. Or that I had an almost 2 hour conference call in the afternoon PLUS two vet visits- one with Suzy for her annual check-up and one with Sasha for an ear infection. Or that after Sasha's appointment at 6 pm I had to drive to Whole Foods
(25 min. drive) to get the homeopathic remedy.

Sigh. At least I am aware, right?

Some day, may this all be different. For now, I am just doing the best that I can.

Anyway, on Monday night I was having trouble sleeping so I got up at 2 a.m. (or was it 3?) and stood out on the back deck with Suzy, letting the light of the full moon glow around me. I felt loved, protected, seen. So there was a good amount of Standing Still happening right then and that felt soooo good.

What I love about the longer amounts of Standing Still (if I can do it for a whole minute or longer) is that I feel like I am giving myself time and space, that I am breathing spaciousness into my life in a concrete and visceral way that allows me to make room for Spirit, for my higher and brightest self, and for my Bright Ones, to move in closer to me. It feels like I am putting space between this thing and the next thing, and doing that relieves a lot of pressure, a lot of stress. Am not sure I am expressing this properly. But it's enough for today!

Ripple Effects

I did practice Standing Still several times on my walk yesterday morning. And I returned to the same little tree and held the blossoms in my hand. They are bigger, fuller, harder, plumper, and I can see little bits of pink mixed in with the green now. Am not sure what kind of tree it is.

This is like a little miracle to me because I have never in my life noticed things like this before. I would be racing around 100 mph and then all of a sudden, one day driving down the street I would notice that all of the leaves on the trees were out and full and new green and I would wonder "When the heck did THAT happen?"

So it feels really really good to be slowed down enough to be paying attention to what is happening out in nature right now!

Also, I stopped one time and Sat Still in my car before getting out and going into CVS.

And then at night, in bed with Jeff, as we were hugging good night, I actually slowed down enough to Lie Still with him and really really feel every part of his body touching mine. And because of that, I could really feel in my heart how much I cherished him: body, mind AND spirit. This has not happened in eons either.

So I can officially say that my Standing Still Experiment is having a lovely warm Ripple Effect throughout the rest of my life. Who knows what other wonders lie in wait!