Mother's Day Is Not My Favorite Holiday

Well, I struggle with this every year. It does get a little better every year AS LONG AS I acknowledge and accept and embrace ALL of the feelings that come up for me around Mother's Day.

It's hard for me because it always reminds me that I didn't get the healthy mothering I desperately needed and wanted as a child and teen and young adult. My mom is gone and I did/do love her, but there was a huge gap in my emotional education because of her, and on Mother's Day I strongly feel that lack.

Also, to make things worse, I don't have my own children, BUT I helped my husband raise his two older children from the time they were 7 and 10 through adulthood. And after the "honeymoon" phase was over, it was really really REALLY really difficult. I lost many parts of myself on that journey. I sacrificed a LOT for them, not that they asked me to, of course, but still... MOTHER'S DAY really brings all of that back to me, and it also makes me feel like all of those years was for nothing and that I was a failure as a stepmom because otherwise, the kids would recognize me in some way... and yet, they never do.

Last year I decided to hell with family Mother's Day gatherings. I'm a mother too, damn it, but no one ever seems to notice this, particularly his children who are now all grown with children of their own. My friend Elaine and I are making a tradition of going out to lunch together on Mother's Day. That feels good to me.

Anyway, even though this weekend was difficult for me, made worse by the fact that I fell on Thursday and smashed my knee and have been icing it and trying to stay off of it since then.... I was able to stop and Stand Still 3 or 4 times throughout the weekend, even though it was for very short periods of time.

One time I stopped in front of my altar, closed my eyes and felt my body and said "Thank you." One time in the car I took a few deep breaths and came back to the present moment. Another time I was sitting on the couch at 2 a.m. with the dog's head in my lap, and I stopped what was going on in my mind and said "This is me feeling sorry for myself... this is me with insomnia.... this is me sitting with the dog."

And all of that centered me just enough to help me be with the pain, to help me to breathe myself though it. In only 10-15 seconds each time.

I am incredibly grateful that I got through another Mother's Day weekend, and I am happy that I was able to remember to Slow Down and Stand Still, at least for a few seconds at a time, because it made ALL the difference!

P.S. Amanda, Jeff's oldest daughter, sent me flowers yesterday too. That also soothed my weary heart.