Blank Spaces and Interim Time

I read somewhere once that the blank spaces in a journal say A LOT without any words being written. So there has been a "blank space" here on this blog of, oh, about 6 months.

So it's true... A LOT has been going on in my life since I last made an entry here, and I assure you that I have thought longingly of this particular blog during my absence from this screen.

In mid-June I learned that my dear friend Lis was dying of a rare kind of cancer that she'd been fighting for two years.

In late June I noticed that my left (2-lumpectomied) breast was looking bruised and there was a new red bump as well so I went to my breast surgeon and (from late June through mid July) went through a mammogram, skin biopsy, an ultrasound, an MRI guided needle biopsy and I can't remember what else.

In mid-July I was diagnosed with secondary angiosarcoma of the breast, which is a very rare cancer that ONLY forms as a result of radiation treatments for breast cancer (which I had in 2002). On July 25 I had a mastectomy and my brilliant surgeon (Dr. Stephen Karp, Lahey Clinic, Burlington MA) got clean and generous margins around the tumor. Also, my PET scan was clear.

I spent August recovering from the surgery, and in late September started adjuvant chemotherapy treatments "just in case" any stray cells got loose before he took out the tumor. The chemo will be done hopefully by the end of January. In March I am planning to have a reduction on my right breast so am looking forward to a better looking and feeling body!

Also, on July 3, my friend Lis died but I couldn't attend the funeral because I was recovering from the MRI Guided Needle Biopsy (not a procedure for the faint at heart), and then on July 15 we bid a final good-bye to my dearly beloved Sasha-Girl (age 18) who had been having seizures all week.

Needless to say, the losses have been huge and I am still processing much of it as the days turn from summer to fall, from light to dark, from warm to cool and cold again.

I am dedicated, of course, to moving through the darkness of life circumstances and feelings to get to the bright side of the road. And I can see, even in the aggravation and annoyance of the side effects from my chemo treatments, that this whole experience is SLOWING ME DOWN. A LOT!!!

Standing Still Angel

This is my SoulCollage® card that I usually call "Angel of Patience." I made it a long time ago and it has always spoken to me of Patience in the large archetypal sense of the word. Patiently watering the flowers, consistenly taking care of the growth, not hurrying the growth, just staying with it and observing it. Plants and flowers grow slowly and she is patiently allowing the growth to happen.

Today I drew this card in my Daily Reading and all of a sudden I could see that she is STANDING STILL... and that she is a beautiful and "spot-on" image for my huge desire to stay connected to myself no matter what is happening around me.

I have been struggling this past week with all kinds of feelings that are coming up around my youngest stepdaughter whose ex-husband just admitted he is addicted to pills and alcohol but is refusing to get help. I have been through something similar with an alcoholic back in the 80's, which was of course a LONG time ago. But what is happening with my stepdaughter is flinging all of it back up in my heart again.

And man, it is HARD feeling those feelings, watching this happen to her (and to him), and knowing that I can't DO anything to help her.

But see how, in my card above, there is a dark storm happening right there, next to the scene of the peaceful angel who is watering the flowers? Lightning and (no doubt) thunder and dark heavy clouds dumping cold rain. And yet she stands, still, and focused on her one and only task of watering the flowers. She does not let herself be distracted by the storm raging outside, by the cracks of thunder, the sharp hisses of lightning.

I am going to let this be a visual reminder for me to stay connected on the inside, to stay connected to myself, no matter what happens around me. This is all that matters.

Mother's Day Is Not My Favorite Holiday

Well, I struggle with this every year. It does get a little better every year AS LONG AS I acknowledge and accept and embrace ALL of the feelings that come up for me around Mother's Day.

It's hard for me because it always reminds me that I didn't get the healthy mothering I desperately needed and wanted as a child and teen and young adult. My mom is gone and I did/do love her, but there was a huge gap in my emotional education because of her, and on Mother's Day I strongly feel that lack.

Also, to make things worse, I don't have my own children, BUT I helped my husband raise his two older children from the time they were 7 and 10 through adulthood. And after the "honeymoon" phase was over, it was really really REALLY really difficult. I lost many parts of myself on that journey. I sacrificed a LOT for them, not that they asked me to, of course, but still... MOTHER'S DAY really brings all of that back to me, and it also makes me feel like all of those years was for nothing and that I was a failure as a stepmom because otherwise, the kids would recognize me in some way... and yet, they never do.

Last year I decided to hell with family Mother's Day gatherings. I'm a mother too, damn it, but no one ever seems to notice this, particularly his children who are now all grown with children of their own. My friend Elaine and I are making a tradition of going out to lunch together on Mother's Day. That feels good to me.

Anyway, even though this weekend was difficult for me, made worse by the fact that I fell on Thursday and smashed my knee and have been icing it and trying to stay off of it since then.... I was able to stop and Stand Still 3 or 4 times throughout the weekend, even though it was for very short periods of time.

One time I stopped in front of my altar, closed my eyes and felt my body and said "Thank you." One time in the car I took a few deep breaths and came back to the present moment. Another time I was sitting on the couch at 2 a.m. with the dog's head in my lap, and I stopped what was going on in my mind and said "This is me feeling sorry for myself... this is me with insomnia.... this is me sitting with the dog."

And all of that centered me just enough to help me be with the pain, to help me to breathe myself though it. In only 10-15 seconds each time.

I am incredibly grateful that I got through another Mother's Day weekend, and I am happy that I was able to remember to Slow Down and Stand Still, at least for a few seconds at a time, because it made ALL the difference!

P.S. Amanda, Jeff's oldest daughter, sent me flowers yesterday too. That also soothed my weary heart.

Feeling Like a Failure

This is me... feeling like a failure... this is me... not wanting to write in here.

Well, I guess it happens every time when someone tries to start a new practice. I haven't been keeping up with the Standing Still Experiment, and so I have been avoiding writing in here. But here you go. And here I am anyway. It's time to get back into it. It's time to start taking those three deep breaths and grounding myself back into myself on a regular basis.

My intention for standing in front of my Altar three times a day seems to be just too big for me right now. I will feel happy if I remember/remind myself to do it every morning before I sit down at the computer. Anything else, right now, will be a bonus. I have done it two days in a row now. I am hoping that I can do the Altar thing every morning from now on, just like I am in the habit of doing the gratitude list (a la Melody Beattie) now every morning after checking my 3 emails.

I need to remember that I only have to take this new growth, this new transformation one tiny step at a time.

I get so frustrated with myself, you know? There are so many things I want to be incorporating into my self-transformation and there just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day.

Breathing... standing still... remembering who I am... and naming what I am going through... this is my priority right now.

Standing Still at My Altar

This is the Altar I've been creating. It is on top of my bookcase which is to the right of my desk.

It's been sitting there for a few months now but I haven't been "using" it. I've hardly even been LOOKING at it. So this weekend I cleaned it off and started over. Added the Quan Yin statue and the icon. Rearranged the prayers and intentions that I would like to be saying out loud on a daily basis.

My PLAN is to Stand Still in front of it at least 3 times a day, but right now I am lucky if I remember to do this first thing in the morning before I sit down at the computer! I did do it today, I am happy to report.

My idea is that this will slow me down during my days. Bring me back to my body and out of my head.

My Soul Vows are there, as well as the list of "Dead" that I have buried and my intention prayer that I made during Janet Conner's Lotus and the Lily class in December. Which, now that I think of it, is when my whole life began to slant in this new direction. For which I am extremely grately. Will write more about these Vows and "Dead" and Intention Prayers another time.

More Pausing at the Crossroads

So.... you are maybe wondering how I did with pausing at every choice point/cross roads yesterday. Ha! Of course I completely forgot after the walk with Suzy!

I did experience some yummy slow time in the morning and early afternoon... a lovely flow of time where I just did the next thing I felt like doing- computer... reading.... shower.... cleaned bedroom, shifted things on altar.... put things away.... wrote in journal......

And then last night after Easter dinner, I read on the front porch for an hour and then just SAT on the couch with Jeff and watched Sunday Morning and Amazing Race. Just sat. That is a big deal for me because usually I do computer work because it's a good time to get mindless tasks done...etc. But last night I slowed myself down enough to just sit. So that felt good.

I realize that it may take me a long while to program my brain to STOP and Stand Still several times a day when I am getting ready to switch activities. And that is perfectly OKAY. The neural pathways need to be grooved and grooved until they are a part of me, and I will be patient with myself until this happens.

Pausing at the Crossroads

So I guess I stopped my Standing Still practice while I was on retreat last week. I mean, I "stood still" in relation to my everyday life I guess. And I even watched four whole episodes of Being Erica on Thursday night online without doing anything else. I found that very restful and creatively soothing somehow. I love that show and feel connected to the characters especially "Dr. Tom" who is always using quotations to help his clients.

Back to the topic at hand.

Anyway, I didn't walk yesterday because it was so cold and rainy and I was really in an emotional funk about all kinds of stuff, including the fact that it was our 16th anniversary on Friday and I wanted something really special and all I got was indigestion because I ordered the fried clams instead of the haddock. Ah. Interesting, just to notice.

Today I got up earlier than Jeff and shut off his alarm to let him sleep longer, so I took Suzy for a nice long walk. As soon as I started walking, under the trees, hearing the birds sing, I thought, "Ah. This is it." And I feel back in the rhythm of my life again. I guess even going on retreat can mess up my rhythm, even if it IS a good and healthy and spiritually enlightening thing for me to do.

So while on my walk today I decided to pause, to stop and Stand Still every time I turned a corner or crossed to a new street. That was my idea from the beginning but I haven't really followed it. It is a discipline, remembering to do it. But it felt really good.

And I am still questioning what it is exactly that I should be DOING during those Standing Still times. I have been trying a number of things in the last few months since I started this practice: breathing, feeling my feet grounded into the earth, saying a short prayer, focusing on a word, seeing what is around me, listening to what is around me.

Today I just Stood Still and took three deep breaths in and out, eyes open, and stayed there until I could feel my head return to my body. An interesting concept, eh? Like a little mini-reunion inside of me!

And at other times, when I was actually walking, I found it helpful to say something like, "This is me and I am breathing." Or "This is me, feeling sad." "This is me pulling on Suzy's leash and feeling her pulling in the other direction." That was very calming and soothing. Full of a deep self-acceptance.

I wish, wish, WISH I could practice this in my daily life. I KNOW, know, KNOW that my relationship with food would change if I could just do this throughout an ordinary day. If I could Stand Still before doing "the next thing" and just breathe myself back into my body. If I could just STOP before loading my plate with food at the Easter dinner today. If I could just Slow Down enough to remember who I am and what my priorities are.

And I am hearing my Bright Ones say... "You can, dear one... it just takes time and practice and you are on the right path."

Amen to that. Over and out. Reporting back in tomorrow, or later tonight as hopefully I will have something good to report.