Standing Still Angel

This is my SoulCollage® card that I usually call "Angel of Patience." I made it a long time ago and it has always spoken to me of Patience in the large archetypal sense of the word. Patiently watering the flowers, consistenly taking care of the growth, not hurrying the growth, just staying with it and observing it. Plants and flowers grow slowly and she is patiently allowing the growth to happen.

Today I drew this card in my Daily Reading and all of a sudden I could see that she is STANDING STILL... and that she is a beautiful and "spot-on" image for my huge desire to stay connected to myself no matter what is happening around me.

I have been struggling this past week with all kinds of feelings that are coming up around my youngest stepdaughter whose ex-husband just admitted he is addicted to pills and alcohol but is refusing to get help. I have been through something similar with an alcoholic back in the 80's, which was of course a LONG time ago. But what is happening with my stepdaughter is flinging all of it back up in my heart again.

And man, it is HARD feeling those feelings, watching this happen to her (and to him), and knowing that I can't DO anything to help her.

But see how, in my card above, there is a dark storm happening right there, next to the scene of the peaceful angel who is watering the flowers? Lightning and (no doubt) thunder and dark heavy clouds dumping cold rain. And yet she stands, still, and focused on her one and only task of watering the flowers. She does not let herself be distracted by the storm raging outside, by the cracks of thunder, the sharp hisses of lightning.

I am going to let this be a visual reminder for me to stay connected on the inside, to stay connected to myself, no matter what happens around me. This is all that matters.

Mother's Day Is Not My Favorite Holiday

Well, I struggle with this every year. It does get a little better every year AS LONG AS I acknowledge and accept and embrace ALL of the feelings that come up for me around Mother's Day.

It's hard for me because it always reminds me that I didn't get the healthy mothering I desperately needed and wanted as a child and teen and young adult. My mom is gone and I did/do love her, but there was a huge gap in my emotional education because of her, and on Mother's Day I strongly feel that lack.

Also, to make things worse, I don't have my own children, BUT I helped my husband raise his two older children from the time they were 7 and 10 through adulthood. And after the "honeymoon" phase was over, it was really really REALLY really difficult. I lost many parts of myself on that journey. I sacrificed a LOT for them, not that they asked me to, of course, but still... MOTHER'S DAY really brings all of that back to me, and it also makes me feel like all of those years was for nothing and that I was a failure as a stepmom because otherwise, the kids would recognize me in some way... and yet, they never do.

Last year I decided to hell with family Mother's Day gatherings. I'm a mother too, damn it, but no one ever seems to notice this, particularly his children who are now all grown with children of their own. My friend Elaine and I are making a tradition of going out to lunch together on Mother's Day. That feels good to me.

Anyway, even though this weekend was difficult for me, made worse by the fact that I fell on Thursday and smashed my knee and have been icing it and trying to stay off of it since then.... I was able to stop and Stand Still 3 or 4 times throughout the weekend, even though it was for very short periods of time.

One time I stopped in front of my altar, closed my eyes and felt my body and said "Thank you." One time in the car I took a few deep breaths and came back to the present moment. Another time I was sitting on the couch at 2 a.m. with the dog's head in my lap, and I stopped what was going on in my mind and said "This is me feeling sorry for myself... this is me with insomnia.... this is me sitting with the dog."

And all of that centered me just enough to help me be with the pain, to help me to breathe myself though it. In only 10-15 seconds each time.

I am incredibly grateful that I got through another Mother's Day weekend, and I am happy that I was able to remember to Slow Down and Stand Still, at least for a few seconds at a time, because it made ALL the difference!

P.S. Amanda, Jeff's oldest daughter, sent me flowers yesterday too. That also soothed my weary heart.

Feeling Like a Failure

This is me... feeling like a failure... this is me... not wanting to write in here.

Well, I guess it happens every time when someone tries to start a new practice. I haven't been keeping up with the Standing Still Experiment, and so I have been avoiding writing in here. But here you go. And here I am anyway. It's time to get back into it. It's time to start taking those three deep breaths and grounding myself back into myself on a regular basis.

My intention for standing in front of my Altar three times a day seems to be just too big for me right now. I will feel happy if I remember/remind myself to do it every morning before I sit down at the computer. Anything else, right now, will be a bonus. I have done it two days in a row now. I am hoping that I can do the Altar thing every morning from now on, just like I am in the habit of doing the gratitude list (a la Melody Beattie) now every morning after checking my 3 emails.

I need to remember that I only have to take this new growth, this new transformation one tiny step at a time.

I get so frustrated with myself, you know? There are so many things I want to be incorporating into my self-transformation and there just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day.

Breathing... standing still... remembering who I am... and naming what I am going through... this is my priority right now.