Thursday, April 28, 2011

Standing Still at My Altar



This is the Altar I've been creating. It is on top of my bookcase which is to the right of my desk.



It's been sitting there for a few months now but I haven't been "using" it. I've hardly even been LOOKING at it. So this weekend I cleaned it off and started over. Added the Quan Yin statue and the icon. Rearranged the prayers and intentions that I would like to be saying out loud on a daily basis.

My PLAN is to Stand Still in front of it at least 3 times a day, but right now I am lucky if I remember to do this first thing in the morning before I sit down at the computer! I did do it today, I am happy to report.

My idea is that this will slow me down during my days. Bring me back to my body and out of my head.

My Soul Vows are there, as well as the list of "Dead" that I have buried and my intention prayer that I made during Janet Conner's Lotus and the Lily class in December. Which, now that I think of it, is when my whole life began to slant in this new direction. For which I am extremely grately. Will write more about these Vows and "Dead" and Intention Prayers another time.

Monday, April 25, 2011

More Pausing at the Crossroads

So.... you are maybe wondering how I did with pausing at every choice point/cross roads yesterday. Ha! Of course I completely forgot after the walk with Suzy!

I did experience some yummy slow time in the morning and early afternoon... a lovely flow of time where I just did the next thing I felt like doing- computer... reading.... shower.... cleaned bedroom, shifted things on altar.... put things away.... wrote in journal......

And then last night after Easter dinner, I read on the front porch for an hour and then just SAT on the couch with Jeff and watched Sunday Morning and Amazing Race. Just sat. That is a big deal for me because usually I do computer work because it's a good time to get mindless tasks done...etc. But last night I slowed myself down enough to just sit. So that felt good.

I realize that it may take me a long while to program my brain to STOP and Stand Still several times a day when I am getting ready to switch activities. And that is perfectly OKAY. The neural pathways need to be grooved and grooved until they are a part of me, and I will be patient with myself until this happens.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Pausing at the Crossroads


So I guess I stopped my Standing Still practice while I was on retreat last week. I mean, I "stood still" in relation to my everyday life I guess. And I even watched four whole episodes of Being Erica on Thursday night online without doing anything else. I found that very restful and creatively soothing somehow. I love that show and feel connected to the characters especially "Dr. Tom" who is always using quotations to help his clients.

Back to the topic at hand.

Anyway, I didn't walk yesterday because it was so cold and rainy and I was really in an emotional funk about all kinds of stuff, including the fact that it was our 16th anniversary on Friday and I wanted something really special and all I got was indigestion because I ordered the fried clams instead of the haddock. Ah. Interesting, just to notice.

Today I got up earlier than Jeff and shut off his alarm to let him sleep longer, so I took Suzy for a nice long walk. As soon as I started walking, under the trees, hearing the birds sing, I thought, "Ah. This is it." And I feel back in the rhythm of my life again. I guess even going on retreat can mess up my rhythm, even if it IS a good and healthy and spiritually enlightening thing for me to do.

So while on my walk today I decided to pause, to stop and Stand Still every time I turned a corner or crossed to a new street. That was my idea from the beginning but I haven't really followed it. It is a discipline, remembering to do it. But it felt really good.

And I am still questioning what it is exactly that I should be DOING during those Standing Still times. I have been trying a number of things in the last few months since I started this practice: breathing, feeling my feet grounded into the earth, saying a short prayer, focusing on a word, seeing what is around me, listening to what is around me.

Today I just Stood Still and took three deep breaths in and out, eyes open, and stayed there until I could feel my head return to my body. An interesting concept, eh? Like a little mini-reunion inside of me!

And at other times, when I was actually walking, I found it helpful to say something like, "This is me and I am breathing." Or "This is me, feeling sad." "This is me pulling on Suzy's leash and feeling her pulling in the other direction." That was very calming and soothing. Full of a deep self-acceptance.

I wish, wish, WISH I could practice this in my daily life. I KNOW, know, KNOW that my relationship with food would change if I could just do this throughout an ordinary day. If I could Stand Still before doing "the next thing" and just breathe myself back into my body. If I could just STOP before loading my plate with food at the Easter dinner today. If I could just Slow Down enough to remember who I am and what my priorities are.

And I am hearing my Bright Ones say... "You can, dear one... it just takes time and practice and you are on the right path."

Amen to that. Over and out. Reporting back in tomorrow, or later tonight as hopefully I will have something good to report.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

How It Looks and Feels

This is how my day usually looks and feels:

got up fed the cats emptied litter box checked three email accounts answered emails ate gluten free bagel with almond butter walked dog took shower wrote a new web page


And here is how I WANT my morning to look and feel:

got up

fed the cats

emptied litter box

checked three email accounts answered emails

ate gluten free bagel with almond butter

walked dog

took shower

wrote a new web page



Do you see the difference?

The first one is rushed and everything is all jumbled together. It is hard to tell where one thing begins and the other ends. Which is exactly how it feels to be rushing through my life.

The second one has lots of white space (Standing Still, pausing) around each thing that I "did" and feels slower, easier, clearer to understand.

Well, that is how I want my life to be..... slower, clearer, easier to understand, with lots of white space in my mind around each thing that I "do."

Here's to another day of trying!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Just Listen


I am on retreat for a few days at Rolling Ridge in Andover, MA. After I got settled in, I walked around the grounds and down to the lake. There was a bench right by the water and I sat there for several minutes.

Have been feeling inner urgings towards using this time here to LISTEN, just to listen. To listen within and listen to guidance from without, from the other side. And I am seeing that in order to listen, I need to be Standing Still. Or Sitting Still. Or some version of Inward Stillness.

I look at these next few days as a wider practice of Standing Still, a different version of it. Obviously, two full days is longer than 15 seconds. But I have been on personal retreats before that were even longer than this, but did not still myself inside to listen hardly at all.

So this is a new adventure for me, using this retreat time, this Time Away, to practice Standing Still in a different, more powerful way. I know that every day cannot be like this, and I accept this and I let go of the yearning for yet more and MORE of this stillness. All I do have is right now. Please, Spirit, allow me the luxury of enjoying these next two days moment by moment.

By the Light of the Moon


I am noticing that I am finding it hard to actually Stand Still when I have some other big thing on my mind. Like getting ready to go away. I'm leaving on a personal retreat this morning and yesterday was filled with catching up on stuff to do to get ready for me to be away.

And I could hear my thoughts which were something like this, every time I thought maybe I could Stand Still for a few seconds, "Oh don't worry about that. We can do lots and lots of that when we're on retreat!" And so I didn't stop yesterday, not even once until I sat down to watch Glee with Jeff.

Of course, it didn't help that it was raining in the morning and I didn't get to walk with Suzy. Or that I had an almost 2 hour conference call in the afternoon PLUS two vet visits- one with Suzy for her annual check-up and one with Sasha for an ear infection. Or that after Sasha's appointment at 6 pm I had to drive to Whole Foods
(25 min. drive) to get the homeopathic remedy.

Sigh. At least I am aware, right?

Some day, may this all be different. For now, I am just doing the best that I can.

Anyway, on Monday night I was having trouble sleeping so I got up at 2 a.m. (or was it 3?) and stood out on the back deck with Suzy, letting the light of the full moon glow around me. I felt loved, protected, seen. So there was a good amount of Standing Still happening right then and that felt soooo good.

What I love about the longer amounts of Standing Still (if I can do it for a whole minute or longer) is that I feel like I am giving myself time and space, that I am breathing spaciousness into my life in a concrete and visceral way that allows me to make room for Spirit, for my higher and brightest self, and for my Bright Ones, to move in closer to me. It feels like I am putting space between this thing and the next thing, and doing that relieves a lot of pressure, a lot of stress. Am not sure I am expressing this properly. But it's enough for today!

Monday, April 18, 2011

Ripple Effects


I did practice Standing Still several times on my walk yesterday morning. And I returned to the same little tree and held the blossoms in my hand. They are bigger, fuller, harder, plumper, and I can see little bits of pink mixed in with the green now. Am not sure what kind of tree it is.

This is like a little miracle to me because I have never in my life noticed things like this before. I would be racing around 100 mph and then all of a sudden, one day driving down the street I would notice that all of the leaves on the trees were out and full and new green and I would wonder "When the heck did THAT happen?"

So it feels really really good to be slowed down enough to be paying attention to what is happening out in nature right now!

Also, I stopped one time and Sat Still in my car before getting out and going into CVS.

And then at night, in bed with Jeff, as we were hugging good night, I actually slowed down enough to Lie Still with him and really really feel every part of his body touching mine. And because of that, I could really feel in my heart how much I cherished him: body, mind AND spirit. This has not happened in eons either.

So I can officially say that my Standing Still Experiment is having a lovely warm Ripple Effect throughout the rest of my life. Who knows what other wonders lie in wait!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Yesterday's Walk


Yesterday I stopped and stood still a couple of times: once to admire a red cardinal skimming across the phone wires and another time to breathe in my connection to a glossy black crow cawing in a treetop.

My favorite Standing Still time yesterday, though, came when I stopped at a young tree whose buds were just about to break open. The last few days, everything has been closed up, and tight. No signs of anything. But yesterday, I could see the beginnings of green edging almost every tree. What a glorious site! And then to see a small tree up close that is getting close to bursting open.... a miracle. I cupped a cluster of buds in my hands and just breathed in that miracle.

And I wondered... what soul buds are striking forth their energy right now inside of ME? What is just waiting for the last stroke of sun to call forth their fullness of growth?

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Single Tasking

The other night I sat for a whole hour in front of the TV and did not do ANYTHING else. I didn't eat, didn't check other channels at commercial times, didn't go into the DVR and try to find anything new to record. I just sat there.

It was a Dancing with the Stars results show, and I was interested in the outcome, but not THAT interested! In fact, because we have a DVR, we usually don't watch a show in "live" time, but after the fact so we can fast forward through the commercials. So I'm not used to watching actual commercials anymore. Thank God/Goddess for the mute button!

I am pretty pleased with myself that I actually was able to DO it, because to tell the truth, I didn't think I COULD do it, and I did not especially WANT to do it. I am so used to multi-tasking. When I DON'T multi-task, it feels like I am wasting time. I'll have to look at that as another entry in here some day.



Also, last night, I did the same thing with Modern Family- only half an hour, and we skipped through the commercials. BUT... I just sat there, hands in my lap, and watched. It was lovely. I really do love that show and was able to really experience the full belly laughs that aren't quite as real or as potent when I am working on my computer at the same time.

So... that was my experiment in Single Tasking. Not exactly the same thing as Standing Still and anchoring myself back into the Present Moment. But definitely related! I will look for more opportunities for Single-Tasking today and see what comes up.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Slowing Down My Life

I am being gentle with myself. I am being gentle with myself. I am, I am, I am! I am committed to talking kindly and compassionately to myself. THIS is where the change is beginning, not in how many times I stop and breathe before moving on to the next thing. Not in how much fiber I eat each day or how many times I can let go of a sugar (or cheese!) craving. No, the CHANGE is coming closer and closer, the more I am able to be kind to myself. My inner talk is changing, has to keep changing, and that is the only thing that is going to help me to slow down my life, to lighten up my heart and body and mind, and to let go of the extra weight that has been clinging to me for so long. Yesterday I didn't rush around with a long list of to-do's. Actually, that is more because I had to drive Jeff to Merri's house at 5:30 a.m. and I didn't get much sleep and was tired. I actually laid down in the afternoon, flanked on one side by big yellow lab Suzy and on the other side by soft black cat (so much more than a cat) Sasha. And napped for about an hour. Slowing down like that was good for my body, mind and soul. I did do some work, but I also spent some time in front of the tv with the tv OFF getting ready for the Program Team call tonight. AND... I also spend a few hours going through the gluten-free books and culling recipes and resources for this new path I have chosen. Still, I was multi-tasking. Maybe I need to start thinking about single-tasking! How fun/difficult would THAT be? Am reminded of the story of the monk whose teacher told his students to do only one thing at a time. When you are eating, eat. When you are gardening, garden. When you are brushing your teeth, brush your teeth. Etcetera. And that is what they all strived to do. And then one day at breakfast, the monk saw his teacher eating and reading. And he was shocked! He confronted his teacher on this, and the teacher smiled and said, "When you are eating and reading, eat and read." I love that story. And yet I admit, sometimes I use it as an excuse to multi-task. But if I'm honest, I will admit that most of the time when I am multi-tasking, I am somewhere else in my mind. If I am "eating and reading," I am usually also thinking about what's next on my schedule, or I am too focused on the book and not on the food at all. And so it goes. It's a matter of balance. And I am writing this blog to REMIND myself about being mindful. To continue to plant the seed in my mind that this is what I want my life to be about now. I am trying to build a new neural pathway of mindfulness into my brain, and this is the best way I know how to do that.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Trying Really Hard


It seems that the more I try to "do" this Standing Still thing... the less I can do it, the less I actually remember to do it, the less I am inclined to do it.

Yesterday I set the intention to stop at least 3 times during my walk with Suzy, and then before and after every meal. Well, I did great with the Suzy-walk, but not so good elsewhere. I am wondering if I should keep setting intentions like this or not. Because when I do, and then I don't/can't/won't follow through, I end up beating myself up.

Have been working a lot with self-compassion recently, and it is a basic tenet of THAT practice, NOT to beat myself up, so I am working on infusing my entire life with self-kindness, especially of the "inner talk" variety.

So I think that I will stop setting any intention except for asking my Bright Ones (spirit guides, angels, dear ones...etc) to remind me of my commitment to Standing Still as the practice that brings me home to myself.

And am also thinking that perhaps I need to be practicing meditation for longer chunks of time. Or even just times when I slow way down and sit in my recliner in my Quiet Room and read. No agenda, just whatever book feels good to open right now. Dip in and enjoy. And be still and calm, with nothing to do and nowhere to go.

I would also like to once in a while be able to sit in front of the tv with no other agenda than sitting there and watching. Actually, I did do that on Saturday night. I watched "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" with Carol. And we laughed and laughed. She is a good laugher! An old movie from the 80's with Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Hunt. But I couldn't sit there very long without eating. I know! I know! I need to get out my knitting again. Somehow, I think about knitting but I don't actually DO it.

Also, I signed up for Clarissa Pinkola Estes' class The Joyous Body (from Sounds True), and listened to the first two hour download this weekend while walking Suzy. It is amazing. And I feel the yearning to go back and listen again while taking notes of the things that really stand out for me as lessons right now, in this moment. I feel afraid that I am going to lose these new learnings if I don't write them down and find some way to incorporate them into my life.

HOWEVER, I also felt the yearning to go read everything CPE has ever written, and borrow from the library all the recordings that are available. Such a thirst, such a hunger, such an excitement to know more and more and more.

But that makes me feel frantic and definitely the opposite of how I feel when I practice Standing Still. So I consciously decided NOT to listen to or read anything else by CPE until after I have fully absorbed and digested The Joyous Body.
That feels good and right and true to me.

Also, have decided to pass some of these KaleidoSoul projects on to Kate. That is why I hired her, right? I really have to focus in on MYSELF for the next several months while I am learning to practice Standing Still, and while I am shedding this excess weight, while I am re-learning what my body needs for health and well-being.

I am committed to making choices based on this. And this begins NOW.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Animals Stand Still Naturally

My beloved Sasha girl really "gets" this Standing Still thing. I can take a lesson from her. Actually, she is more about sitting still, but you know what I mean! There is such a deep calm and stillness about her as she gazes into the distance. AND.. she can do it for hours at a time.

All cats seem to be gifted with this ability to slow way down and just BE with what IS. This is what I am aspiring too.

Even our lovable, ever-frenetic dog, Suzy, who seems to be in constant motion (or wishing she were in constant motion!) will sometimes stand dead still on one of our walks and just look around, until she is ready to move again.

The first few times it happened, I was thunderstruck. During her own Standing Still moments, she really does exactly that, stand still. Nothing else. She doesn't sniff at anything or nuzzle things on the ground, or nudge my hand for a pat.

I am leaving soon to walk Suzy and my intention is to Stand Still, to ground myself in my Center at least 3 times during this walk. And also, to Stand Still before and after each meal today. I will report back in tomorrow!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Seagull Watching


I got up this morning, fed the cats, drank my water, checked and answered about 20 emails, did my gratitude list, got some stuff off my desk and into the right files and envelopes...etc. But I didn't pause once. Nor did I stand still and make time/space for the next thing.

And yet, I am giving myself a big dose of unconditional kindness for what I CAN do. Which is stop, right now, and spend 5 minutes to write this blog entry. Hopefully, this blogging is making me more aware of my intention to practice Standing Still. I did NOT do it at all, all day today, and the evidence of that was seen in a little bout of compulsive eating tonight after dinner. At least I wasn't eating high fat things. Just sugar and salt. But gluten and dairy free, hooray!

Actually, I don't even care if someone else ever reads this blog or not. I am thinking it will help me if I ever decide to write a book about this experiment. And mostly, that it will help me day by day as I try to remember my intention to Stand Still several times a day. Before the next thing.

The other day, I flashed upon a memory from a loooooong time ago. I was in my 30's. I was just learning about mindfulness and meditation and had read in a book about the idea of focusing on just one thing and following it, staying with it thru the breath and beyond.

So I was at the beach in Beverly, just sitting on the stone wall, feeling the calming presence of air and sea and sky. I decided to focus on a seagull. I just picked one of many, and followed it with my eyes while keeping still in my body. It was fascinating. The gull swooped down. It noodled along. It flew over to another spot on the beach. It landed in the water. It walked.

I think I did it for 5 or 6 full, slow minutes. It was so peaceful and stress-relieving. It's hard to explain. It's like, in those several minutes, nothing existed except for me and that bird. It's kindof like I WAS the bird! Time slowed way, way down. I was amazed at how slow and spacious even just one minute could be.

And I am sorry to report that I've never done anything like that since. Maybe it's time to start again, in my 50's, now that I am working with this idea of Standing Still.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Next!

Ok, my crazy training weekend (SoulCollage) is over and I have acclimated myself back into my regular rhythm and routine. So it's time to start posting about Standing Still.


I actually THOUGHT about Standing Still a couple of times during the Training I lead. And one time I actually did STOP and stand still, in the hallway of the retreat center, after breakfast on the first morning, and before the next session began.


Today on my walk with Suzy, I stopped and stood still several times. One time I closed my eyes and felt my body all the way down to my toes, grounding myself into the earth. Another time I stopped to connect with two bright red cardinals swooping around the phone wires over my head. And once I admired Suzy's strong golden body, gleaming in the sunshine. And then there were those amazing purple and white crocuses bursting open in someone's garden.


How blessed I feel, to take the time to stop and pay attention to what is happening around me, and most importantly INSIDE me.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

And So The Journey Begins

I have the feeling that this is the start of a long journey. I hope so anyway! Not necessarily an arduous journey, simply a journey, simply a journey that is, whatever it turns out to be. I am hoping to be able to enjoy the scenery along the way.


This all began this winter while walking our 7 year old lab, Suzy. I've been walking her for almost two years now, and I've been aware the whole time of her own gleefulness at being outside, her jittery excitedness at walking and walking. I've also been hyper-aware of her tendency to keep stopping and smelling everything known to man (and some things not!). So mostly our walks consist of me trying to walk fast and "hard" ... and Suzy wanting to meander along. She stops to smell EVERY thing... dried up leaves, empty yogurt cartons, cracks in the sidewalk, dirty snowbanks, piles of you-know-what, and God/Goddess knows what else.


Usually when she stops to smell something, I tug on her leash impatiently, or I wait while she sniffs around, tapping my foot, checking my watch, wondering how long it will be before she MOVES again, hoping that I'm still getting a good cardiac workout.


One day this winter, though, I found it within me to pay attention to her while she was doing her sniffing thing. And I thought, "Hmmm... She evidently finds that scummy snowbank fascinating, so she is stopping to explore it and she doesn't care one whit what I think about it."

Which led me to think that maybe whe SHE was standing still, sniffing, maybe I could also STAND STILL, not just in my body but in my mind and spirit as well.


So I tried doing that a few times and you know what? It was a MUCH better walk!


I stopped one time while she was sniffing around, stood very still, and looked up into the sky, surprised to see there a perfect formation of 9 geese, happing honking their way westward.


And after a week of that, I though, "WOW, wouldn't it be cool if I could do this in the course of my daily life also? What if I stopped to stand still several times throughout my day instead of moving, moving, MOVING from one thing to the next with no space in between?"


Thus, this blog has been born! I decided that if I knew I was going to post here every day about one or more of my daily Stand Stills, then I might actually be encouraged to do more than just THINK about it.


So here I go...


And the STANDING STILL EXPERIMENT is born.